My Morning TV Ramblings

Since most of my posts tend to be more serious in nature, I figured it was time to write about something a little more mundane. If you're hoping for something more "thought-provoking", I would refer you to my previous two posts for March.


Wednesday I spent the morning sitting in the waiting room of the hospital...the car hospital of a local dealership. Forunately, no surgery was being done - just a trim and a shave! Anyway, in between pages of my book I was being distracted by what was on the tube. Suddenly a wave of realization washed over me like the smell of bad men's cologne (wait, that was the guy sitting next to me - sorry!). It dawned on me that I had not watched a lick of weekday morning television in years. I mean literally; it has been years since I last watched a single second of morning TV. It's been so long that I can't even remember the last time it happened, but it had to be some time early in "W's" first term or maybe even during Clinton's last days.

So I have a question for all of you out there who may actually watch network morning television on a regular basis: is it always this bad? Really. Honestly, I don't remember it being quite this terrible. Have the glory days gone, or was there ever really a "glory day" when it comes to morning TV? I just don't know....whatever the case, things on the morning tube are in a sad state of affairs indeed.

So, in honor of the one time I will probably watch morning network television over the next decade, I give you my sequential observations on the morning:

No. 1 - My morning started with Regis and Whoever-the-name-is-of-the-woman-who-took-Kathie Lee's-place (I think her name is Kelly, but I miss Kathie Lee). However, the woman who will never be Kathie Lee was not there; instead the gal who played the crazy, squeaky-voiced lady on Will and Grace was filling in. It was a rather boring, uneventful show. It starts with Regis and said co-host spending probably the first 15 minutes making random small talk, apparently off the cuff. This might normally be interesting, but it's dependent upon the hosts actually having something interesting to say, which these two did not. I tuned them out after the first commercial break. The highlight of the show was the rolling out of the new hybrid, "green" automobiles that are hitting the market. The one that caught my attention the most was something called the Smarttwo. It looked like a tuna can on wheels - literally, it did. It even had a sunroof that peeled back in a way that reminded me of the top of a tuna can. I can't ever imagine driving something that small on the highway; it made a Prius look like a Mack truck. The show ended with Regis and unnamed guest co-host driving off into the sunset (or sunrise, as it were) in their Smarttwo, waving to us little people as the credits rolled. Ah, the life.

No. 2 - After this, a gameshow (if I dare give it such a lofty name at the risk of shaming the likes of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune) came on called Temptation. Wow...that's about all I can say about it, and I don't mean wow as a compliment. I thought shows this useless, brainless, and materialistic in nature disappeared at least seven years ago. The whole point of the show is three contestants, all women in their late-twenties to early-thirties, compete to win "Temptation" money by answering questions about celebrities. Ridiculous questions that only people who spend too much time in the tabloids could answer, such as "How many pimples did Lindsay Lohan have on her right butt cheek when she turned 16?" Of course, the only thing more ridiculous was they knew the answers. At the end of the show the winner goes through a bonus round to win more "Temptation" money, which she then uses to buy real stuff. And of course, the winner jumped up and down and screamed so much and acted so embarrassingly shameless that I wanted to throw my shoe at the TV by the time the whole thing was over. When it was done she chose a 10-day trip to the Far East (Brooklyn, I think) coupled with a designer wardrobe and spending money. She chose this over $10,000 cold hard cash (minus taxes, of course - stinking government). WORD OF ADVICE IF YOU'RE EVER IN THIS SITUATION - always take the cash! Why take something with strings attached when you can have the money to do with whatever and whenever you please? On a suprising note the big-voiced announcer guy, when introducing the cash option, actually said "$10,000 to do with whatever you wish, such as pay down your debts...". Wow. Maybe the materialistic, celebrity and status-driven side of America actually does have a soul.

No. 3 - Drew Carey....Drew, Drew, Drew. What has become of you? From The Drew Carey Show and Who's Line Is It Anyway? to this?! I believe a subtle tear rolled down my cheek as I watched for the first time Drew Carey host The Price Is Right. The whole thing was a little strange at times. Drew seemed to do the whole show with a tone in his voice and a body language that communicated two things - "You people are strangest human beings I have ever come across." and "Why in the world did I ever sign the contract to do this?" He just seemed so out of place with crazed middle and upper-aged men and women jumping all over him in ecstasy over having outbid their competitors by a dollar. So in light of this, here is my advice for you Drew (since I'm sure you're a faithful reader of "The Thirsty Life"): as quickly as you can, do something so outrageous that they have no choice but to release you from your contract, but not so outrageous that a cable channel wouldn't be willing to give you a new show. It may mean you have to settle for Comedy Central or E! for a while, but so be it. The short term pain will be worth the long term gain.

Well, that's it. I'm sure all of you are better for this rambling commentary. I promise my next post will be more "spiritual" in nature.